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Darker Waters

2-19-14, 335-365

 

As my mother heads into the last phases of a long life, I find myself pondering the mystery of it all.  I’ve recently returned from a two week visit, hoping for some quality time with her and to give a tiny bit of relief for my sisters who hold down the fort back in the Midwest.

As is typical of me when faced with a quandary, I have been reading. Reading about “end of life” issues.  I read to gain insight and information and hopefully a handle on what is and what is to come.  The reading is helpful, but it is also making me sad.  Sad to be so far away, sad that the quality time I hoped for is not really possible anymore, sad at the loss of my father to death and my mother to the process of dying.

It is a necessary sadness, one I would not avoid if I could.  I am familiar with sad and feel no need to push it away, but as we row through these darker waters I also want to be prepared and aware and helpful and encouraging to those with whom I share this boat.

The First to Know

Today, just as my New Zealand 365 photo project friend, Kath, boldly launches her beautiful new website Katherine Parrott, Anchors and Wings I am taking my photography site Wendy Russell Photography down.

My photography site no longer represents something I wish to pursue and promote as a career, wedding and family and child portraits.  I have been a long time coming to this step, unwillingly to let go of the dream of photography satisfying my financial as well as creative needs.  The time and effort, studying and financial investment, emotions and love are hard to calculate and hard to release.

It took me a very long time to work up to wedding photography.  My biggest stumbling block was myself.  I had the classic case of what is referred to as “impostor syndrome” (look hard enough…there is a syndrome for everything).  I often believed, for a variety of reasons, that I was masquerading as a professional and at any moment my mask could be torn away.

Much of this feeling came because I felt I had entered the business by the back door. Self taught, I was always catching up and running to understand the latest technique or technology.  I repeated (over and over and over) the cardinal sin of comparison, combing through wedding sites with a mounting sense of doom as I viewed the stunning images and confident copy.  Who was I to think I could produce this level of product?

Working with a terrific wedding photographer, gracious and encouraging, helped build my confidence but the nagging never went away.  I am willing to consider that had I come to this a few decades earlier the outcome might be different, but that is not the case.  I have come to know that for all of the investment of time, equipment and education I do not have the fire in my belly to pursue wedding photography as a career any longer.  The complexity of the business–and it is a very big business–the demands of people and places, the phenomenal importance of that one day, that one special unrepeatable, most important day, requires all-in focus that I cannot sustain.

I do love weddings.  I do love wedding images.  For the most part, I even love the way the day plays out and gradually builds to the tender moment of commitment.  I love how some receptions are pure expressions of the joy and love of family, community, and couple.  I love how the best weddings reflect, in the tiniest details and the quietest moments the careful planning of the bride and groom.  I love to stand at the sideline and catch the expressions of the in-laws and the out-laws.

But.  But, oh, the production.  It can be a pressure that causes me sleepless nights and a constant low rumble of worry.  It is not worth focusing on the more difficult aspects here.

My photography is a daily practice and one I continue to love and explore and expand.  I’m mulling over the opportunities and will surely find other forks in the road as I travel.  I am not eyeing a darkening sky, but rather awaiting with anticipation new dawns.  It feels good and right.

 

Last look…

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New Year, Old Images

With the holiday events I managed to let December get completely away from me. Oh, I took the daily photos and I finished the year:  365 days of photos.  As simple as taking a daily photo sounds, there were times when I almost forgot or felt so completely uninspired I had to literally force myself to take something  But most days it was a pleasure to pay attention, look around and find some small thing of beauty or interest.  Here they are, the final photos for the year:

 

11-27-13, 331-365Portland, my niece Ryan’s dog, on a Thanksgiving visit.

 

11-28-13, 332-365Thanksgiving with my sister and her children, my group, and my cousin and his wife and son.  It was a lot to be thankful for and we were.

 

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Taking Christmas card photos…with a bit of distraction with the foliage.

 

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After the crowds left…

 

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We are very fortunate to be on the migratory path of these monarchs.

 

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More Christmas card subjects–not the image they used, but full of little personalities!

 

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Annual tradition, still intact.

 

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The Santa Cruz Harbor Annual Lighted Boat Parade, a favorite of many, including me.

 

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My dear friends, mother and daughter.

 

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I love the old ornaments, pulling them out, one by one and remembering.

 

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It is incredibly dry here.  The leaves have simply shriveled up on the tree making a beauty of its own.

 

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On the second anniversary of my father’s passing, I pause to take this photo of two of my most important influences.

 

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12-14-13, 348-365Dawn at the ocean on a cold December morning.

 

12-15-13, 349-365My kids.

 

12-16-13, 350-365Another full moon calling me.

 

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My mother painted this tree long ago.  It was out of character for her and I am so grateful to have it in my home now that she no longer has room for it.  I see it in the window and I think of her.

 

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The warm glow of Christmas.

 

12-21-13, 355-365Time for reflection…

 

12-22-13, 356-365An old friend, mother of nine, told me tearily that what she most wished for was a photograph of all of her children together.  Merry Christmas, Laurie.

 

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12-25-13, 359-365Christmas Day in front of the tree.

 

12-26-13, 360-365We haven’t had much needed rain, but I confess I have been reveling in our unseasonably sunny weather.

 

12-27-13, 361-365Gabby making jello jigglers.  I watched her for a day…park, errands, jello and reading.

 

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12-30-13, 364-365Went to see the clusters of monarchs.  So amazing.

 

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A walk around an old neighborhood.

 

12-31-13, 365-365And my last day, December 31st.  Ending this particular journey on my swing.  Contemplating the next steps.

 

A Gorgeous Autumn

It has been a very beautiful, warm, sun-filled autumn in Santa Cruz.  Afternoons where sitting in the sun in shirtsleeves is a great pleasure.  Having passed Thanksgiving, we are now on a run toward Christmas and, perhaps accordingly, the weather has suddenly turned cold.  I’m coming off of a week of company and enjoying the quiet time.  Wondering how to proceed when this year of photos ends on the last day of the year…

 

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Thinking these were birds, I went to get a closer look.  Turns out what I was seeing was flippers and heads!  A gathering of seals at sunset.

 

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Beautiful full moon.  This is when I appreciate my camera equipment.

 

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My friend, Hannah, is studying for her master’s in nursing.  She asked me to help her on a project that involved her aerial class.

 

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A small amount of rain…lovely, but not enough.

 

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On the 50th anniversary of President Kennedy’s death, I pulled out the newspapers I saved from those days.  I was 8 years old and remember being sent home from school by crying teachers and met by my crying mother.  I am still deeply affected by this memory.

 

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For weeks the Monterey Bay has been mobbed by birds and seals and whales, all feasting on a mysterious abundance of anchovies.

 

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The low flow of the San Lorenzo River allows for a clear reflection of the trestle bridge.

 

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A wreath for my daughter’s new home…done by our friend, Zondra.

 

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On a walk through Henry Cowell State Park with my sister, Karen, we saw these horses with their riders.  As we left the area we saw them again…I guess their humans were thirsty after their ride.

 

 

Counting the Days

The end is coming for this 365 days of daily images.  Hard to believe, and yet I type the number on each photo and feel the wind at my back.  While the nights are quite cool, the days…oh, the days…have been glorious.  Teasing, sunny, breezy, filled with autumn light.  It can’t last and so I revel in the moment.

 

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A swimming hole, now abandoned, still looks inviting.

 

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First fire of the season.

 

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Marie.  She was working when I was taking photos for a family gathering to celebrate a 90th birthday.  She glows.

 

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My timid attempt at “street” photography…catching him napping.

 

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Trying to learn my new camera…going for close up.

 

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Creating space.

 

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Blown away.

 

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My pre-Thanksgiving gathering–”Thanksgiving with Friends”.  A wonderful tradition of celebration with family-close friends.  I wish I had room for more!

 

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A reading spot.  Tea, two phones (so I don’t have to get up) and a chair that rocks.  Perfect.

 

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Such a glorious day.  Sailboats and flocking pelicans on the bay.

 

 

Captions for Context.

My mother has confirmed it.  Some photos need captions for content to be understood.  A good photo should, perhaps, stand alone but sharing the everyday images can sometimes reveal a need for explanation.  So, I will honor my mother’s simple request and put some context in along the way.

 

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This is Emerson.  A curly-headed grandson of my dear friend, Leanne.  He was teething this day and needed a hug.

 

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Part of the side yard transformation…a low rock wall to define a new space.

 

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This photo was taken at the funeral of a young man who was murdered in the Santa Cruz Mountains four years ago.  His body was finally found and his parents were finally able to put him to rest.  Though his killers are in prison, having been tried and convicted years ago, this final step was an important one.  I was there, bearing witness, for the family and for the greater community that also wondered and waited.

 

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My son, Jared, and I discovered a forest fire set by a transient person along our private road.  We just “happened” by at the right time to call for help and get it stopped.  Redwood trees do not burn easily, but there was lots of brush that had been thrown into the center of these trees…and plenty of dry leaves and branches in the forest.  Sobering moment and something to be thankful about.

 

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Out scouting for autumn color before our photo shoot the following day.

 

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I made a trip to Reno to see Christiana, my goddaugther, and to take some senior photographs of her lovely face.

 

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Jared’s birthday, a glass of champagne to celebrate!

 

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A birthday gathering of small friends.  One for the history book.

 

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And I choose comfort.  Decided that I wanted a big trunk and a comfortable and quiet vehicle.  Guess I am getting old.

 

 

Ordinary.

I keep thinking I should come up with “fresh” subject matter for this 365 day photographic journey.  Something new and different…but then that would require me doing something new and different, and for the time being that is not how life is going.  So I bring the everyday to my lens and appreciate just how much richness there is to this ordinary life.

 

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10-1-13, 274-365I took this image from above and cropped in…I liked the pattern made by the tail, it reminding me of snow angels.  Only later, when I viewed the enlarged image in my computer did I notice the almost severed flipper.  I hope this one made it.

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Been a busy time, with a fabulous wedding and fabulous fall weather to enjoy.  I turned another year over too, causing me to reflect on what is coming and how I should rise to meet the daily challenges and such.

The wedding was the last one I’ve put on the schedule, a decision that I’m comfortable with and that I think is a good decision.  More and more I found myself at odds with the “stuff” surrounding weddings these days.  Don’t get me wrong, I love weddings…I believe in love and marriage…but is seemed that I was responding to the job of wedding photographer more and more with anxiety rather than anticipation.  Not so with this last one–it ranked at the top of my favorites! Wonderful family, wonderful couple, wonderful community surrounding it all with love.

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Goddaughter Genevieve wearing a birthday gift from her older brother.

 

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Looking Back

Looking back can be helpful.  However, it can also be a symptom of something amiss in the present.  In my case, I believe the cause is turmoil and it does not make me happy to admit that.  Turmoil can lead to good things depending on how one chooses to deal with it and it is with that in mind that I look forward to this autumn season.  I will post my delinquent photos and make another pact with myself to turn my gaze toward sorting and resolving the questions welling up inside.  I hope to begin writing again on a regular basis.  I hope to refine some photography editing skills.  I hope to regain my walking habit.  I hope to complete some property projects.  I hope to meet you back here sooner than later to share some images in the present.

 

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Subtle Changes

There are subtle changes in the air…autumn is coming and my thoughts seem to be hurrying it along.  It is not that I want to do that, but school beginning anew suggests falling leaves and pumpkins.  The traffic carrying herds of children to and fro has begun and so I must remember to pick and choose my appointments and errands.  But first, I need to post some summer images.

 

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Leaking fountain, broken pipe.

 

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Summer stillness at Steamer Lane.

 

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Fountain fixed, to my delight.

 

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Gophers are destroying my yard…

 

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And finally, a nighttime view of the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.  On the ferris wheel after taking my annual ride on the Giant Dipper roller coaster.  A sure sign that summer is coming to an end.

 

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